Fearless in the face of perfection

¹⁸There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love ^[a]turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear ^[b]brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection].
1 John 4:18 (AMP)

When I live in fear I am not fully appreciating the Grace of God.  My failures, my humanity, these are stumbling blocks to me.  They made me miserable for years, not just because they existed, but because of my false expectations.  I made goals that broke and battered.  I desired an outward perfection, though I did not know it at the time. I saw through a haze of my own making. 

Today, in Jesus Calling, I read, "It's all right to be human.  When your mind wanders while you are praying, don't be surprised or upset. Simply return your attention to Me.  Share a secret smile with me, knowing that I understand."  God understands that I am human.  He knows I will fail and He is still waiting there, smiling.  The simplicity of returning my attention to Him, not condemning myself... Powerful words for a still broken woman trying to untangle lies like weeds grown in her heart.  The lie of perfection snares at my heart constantly.  I look at the outward lives of people and compare them to my inward life.  Lies. 

During the summer, my time to refresh and plan, I read a Christian home organization book.  The author seemed very sure of her plan and her system.  She also seemed so very young to me, so wanting to prove herself wise.  Her assertion that she believed God wanted her (and by extension her readers) to be perfect saddened me.  I may drink only water, and cook only organic meals, my laundry may be done, and my pantry organized, but this is not the perfection God calls me to.  He calls me to perfect my love.  So many other things are remedied when I work on perfecting my love.  

Perhaps she read "You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48 (ESV) and forgot the previous verses concerning God's love and how we are to love.  I did for years, seeking to be perfect yet crushing love in the process.  Perfect meals, a perfect house, perfect kids.  The ones I loved were hurt as I tried to create perfection in rules and appearances, not in love and heart ties.  

Paul knew about being perfect in rules and laws yet he had to be humbled in the presence of Christ in order to realize his great imperfections. It was then that Paul née Saul began his true life.  My attempts at perfection cause me to become a Saul with clothing at my feet consenting to death according to expectations that I can never satisfy, turning my face from grace.  Timid and unsure, seeking to be intrepid and audacious, I choose fearless love. 

What I am thankful for: 
49. stinky science experiments with Bitsy.
50. the oldest helping the youngest.
51. hot coffee on a cold day.
52. a sweet note from my aunt.
53. friends who pray.
54. Angie, who dropped everything to come pray with us one day.
55. walking with our hands entwined in his coat pocket.
56. God’s Grace that I am reminded of always and in all kinds of places and situations.
57. making our home healthier for my family.
58. his scent on the pillow when I make the bed in the morning.
59. Bitsy in a tree reading a book.
60. Catechism study together.
61. Our little woman (all of 20!) talking and laughing with us, sharing herself more all the time.
62. Grace’s sketching.
63. the Word that drives out fear.
64. cooking together in the kitchen…how any time can become special.
65. beautiful words that fall into my mind and spill across the page.
66. friends who write beauty and heartache and hope and then share.
67. Truth that trumps man-made theology.
68. His gift of love and striving to be perfect in it.
69. God made perfect in my weakness.
70. fearless in love.
71. snow and sunsets.

multitudes on mondays

My word for 2012, the joy dare, and 1000 gifts

Me, feeling audacious after my first flight.

This year I resolve to be fearless.  There are synonyms for fearless that are two of my favorite words, intrepid and audacious.  Intrepid has a dashing girl detective feel to it.  It means to be resolutely fearless.  Its antonym is timid.  The antithesis of what I am working toward.  Shy to talk about my faith, ashamed to talk about my failings, nervous about plying my craft.  That is where audacious comes in.

I like the second definition...  extremely original; without restriction to prior ideas...  I am tired of being defined by my prior ideas of self.  I have carried those around since I was a girl, piling upon more with each mistake until I could not move under their weight.  It reminds me of what Justin Matisse says to Birdie Calvert in the movie Hope Floats, "You used to be so audacious. People would stop and stare when you went down the street. 'There goes that Birdie Calvert,' they would say.  I can still see that."  I do not expect to stop traffic, but I do want to be confident and bold in my life and all that encompasses.  I want to be a woman of passion and purpose.

Part of getting rid of that fear...what was, where I failed, what could or could not be, is to be thankful.  To open my eyes and see how blessed I am.  I want to express my gratitude continually to God.  I want to always live with hope in my heart.  I want to cast off fear and put on joy.  I want to live every day fully fearless.     

To help me remember I am taking part in Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts in 2012 challenge, her dare to find Joy.  I always work better when challenged.  I crave the assurance and encouragment of accountability.  So, hopefully, every Monday I will be sharing my gifts with you.

I am starting with my journal list and expanding from there.  The first eleven are kind of personal so I will start here:

I am thankful for...

12. summer rain.

13. the end of drought- earth drenching rainstorms.

14. a little girl who loves ducks because her daddy does.

15. another girl who sees a dragon wing in an everyday thing.
16. my husband's sense of humor.
17. our walking dates.
18. learning how to ride a bike...finally. 
19. flying for the first time - without fear!
20. change in the midst of pain.
21. waking up with his arm across me.
22. poetry.
23. not fearing authenticity any longer. 
24. old things made new. 
25. kissing.
26. sand in bottles...little remembrances of paradise. 
27. cuddling on the couch with an old movie and my girls. 
28. Burt's Bees minty lip gloss. (Always good to leave him tingling from a kiss!)
29. Cutie's clementines.
30. the river, even when it is muddy and rushing it is vital and inspiring. 
31. finally writing.
32. a good book and hot tea.
33. pizza with friends we have not visited with in a long time. 
34. new to me clothes and boots today for half price.
35. beautiful pictures that inspire me. 
36. old pajamas. 
37. how the wind sounds.
38. two Christmas presents already made for 2012.
39. remembering how to crochet.
40. watching birds at the feeders.
41. capturing moments in time with my camera. 
42. her hair, wet and curling.
43. dark chocolate with sea salt.
44. when he calls at lunch.
45. love texts.
46. kind words from a stranger.
47. brown speckles on yellow leaves.
48. the beginning of our love story. 

multitudes on mondays