Fearless in the face of perfection

¹⁸There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love ^[a]turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear ^[b]brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection].
1 John 4:18 (AMP)

When I live in fear I am not fully appreciating the Grace of God.  My failures, my humanity, these are stumbling blocks to me.  They made me miserable for years, not just because they existed, but because of my false expectations.  I made goals that broke and battered.  I desired an outward perfection, though I did not know it at the time. I saw through a haze of my own making. 

Today, in Jesus Calling, I read, "It's all right to be human.  When your mind wanders while you are praying, don't be surprised or upset. Simply return your attention to Me.  Share a secret smile with me, knowing that I understand."  God understands that I am human.  He knows I will fail and He is still waiting there, smiling.  The simplicity of returning my attention to Him, not condemning myself... Powerful words for a still broken woman trying to untangle lies like weeds grown in her heart.  The lie of perfection snares at my heart constantly.  I look at the outward lives of people and compare them to my inward life.  Lies. 

During the summer, my time to refresh and plan, I read a Christian home organization book.  The author seemed very sure of her plan and her system.  She also seemed so very young to me, so wanting to prove herself wise.  Her assertion that she believed God wanted her (and by extension her readers) to be perfect saddened me.  I may drink only water, and cook only organic meals, my laundry may be done, and my pantry organized, but this is not the perfection God calls me to.  He calls me to perfect my love.  So many other things are remedied when I work on perfecting my love.  

Perhaps she read "You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48 (ESV) and forgot the previous verses concerning God's love and how we are to love.  I did for years, seeking to be perfect yet crushing love in the process.  Perfect meals, a perfect house, perfect kids.  The ones I loved were hurt as I tried to create perfection in rules and appearances, not in love and heart ties.  

Paul knew about being perfect in rules and laws yet he had to be humbled in the presence of Christ in order to realize his great imperfections. It was then that Paul née Saul began his true life.  My attempts at perfection cause me to become a Saul with clothing at my feet consenting to death according to expectations that I can never satisfy, turning my face from grace.  Timid and unsure, seeking to be intrepid and audacious, I choose fearless love. 

What I am thankful for: 
49. stinky science experiments with Bitsy.
50. the oldest helping the youngest.
51. hot coffee on a cold day.
52. a sweet note from my aunt.
53. friends who pray.
54. Angie, who dropped everything to come pray with us one day.
55. walking with our hands entwined in his coat pocket.
56. God’s Grace that I am reminded of always and in all kinds of places and situations.
57. making our home healthier for my family.
58. his scent on the pillow when I make the bed in the morning.
59. Bitsy in a tree reading a book.
60. Catechism study together.
61. Our little woman (all of 20!) talking and laughing with us, sharing herself more all the time.
62. Grace’s sketching.
63. the Word that drives out fear.
64. cooking together in the kitchen…how any time can become special.
65. beautiful words that fall into my mind and spill across the page.
66. friends who write beauty and heartache and hope and then share.
67. Truth that trumps man-made theology.
68. His gift of love and striving to be perfect in it.
69. God made perfect in my weakness.
70. fearless in love.
71. snow and sunsets.

multitudes on mondays

My favorite story

Sign Photo courtesy of Michelle at Prudently Painted Vintage.

Once upon a time a girl met a boy.  They were 12, awkward, and barely noticed each other three or four years.  They went out on a few dates in high school but she was foolish and he was a nice guy who did not seem as interesting as the older guys she usually dated.  Fast forward a few more years when they went to college at Westark.  She had just ended a one year marriage and had a two year old daughter.  They went to the same college but had never seen each other on campus.  Their classes ended at about the same time on the same days in the same building, it was October and they had never so much as bumped into each other.

She was sitting home one night thinking about her friends from school that seemed so far away from the life she was living.  She thought about everyone she had known and guys she had dated.  She thought about him, about how nice did not seem like a negative now.  She realized her foolishness.  So she took a chance.  She pulled out the phone book and called the first Mason listed in the little community she knew his parents had lived in.  It was his Grandma's house.  They had a nice conversation and his Grandma gave her his phone number.

She was more nervous than before but she called him and said the stupidest thing, "In my yearbook you said to keep in touch, so I am.  Keeping in touch that is.  Um, how have you been doing?" Somehow he did not think she was an idiot and they talked for hours.  Then she said, "Maybe we could get lunch after class some day." Rather eagerly he said, "How about tomorrow?"

She took him to Ed Walker's drive-in and they made more plans.  She went to work and he went home.  Later that night he came over.  They watched a movie and he held her hand.  When they said goodnight he kissed her and she knew she never wanted to kiss anyone else ever again.  This was their beginning.  It was not always going to be easy, but their relationship had started.  This is their love story.  His and mine.  It is my favorite story.    

The Beauty of Authenticity

At some point in the past year I finally realized the impact of being a people pleaser.  While I am still in an ongoing process (Is there a 12 step program for this?) I have come a long way.  Part of that is this.  This blog.  The place where I can be myself and share what I am learning as I work toward being closer to God, more honest with myself and others, and more comfortable with me.  I am trying to work out what it means to be authentic in everything I do.  For context I am going to add links to previous posts from my family blog ~ Life is a Garden.

Explanation: Dividing my interests

Striving to be authentic (in chronological order)

A New Season
On when I wobble but do not fall...
Standing still to see
Then I realized I wasn't alone
Walking out of death
Pouring out
Healing in words
Dream a little dream with me

I am going to be talking to my family about this past year and seeing what we are all comfortable with sharing because something that I have learned this past year, something that is now engraved on my very soul, is that God sent people our way to share with us.  Without them sharing their experiences, without them passing on His love, without their authenticity, I don't know if our marriage, or our family, would have made it or at least made it to the state it is now.

I can share this though, it is what my husband whispered in my ear today at the start of the new year.  "In many ways it was the worst year ever, but in many ways it was the best." It was and I replied, "From the ashes rises the Phoenix." (Because I am a nerd like that.)

So bear with me as I try to work out this authenticity thing.